IT IS GONE! I don't know why, but I feel like crap! Emotionally I am not right. I am really sad and lonely. I feel like I use to a long time ago when I was in high school. I am fat and no one will ever want me. And to top it off I have a 2 year old. Just another reason why I will never find someone to love me.
Its a viscous circle, I am depressed so I eat, and I am depressed because of what happens when I eat. There is no winning. I feel like loosing 120 lbs is going to never happen and is impossible. I can't even loose ten.
Worse is i keep dreaming about certain guys in my life in a very romantic, sometimes x-rated ways. It is frustrating to wake up to my son coming in to my room half undressed saying "I'm poopy!" and be ripped back to my reality of life and have to accept that those moments in the dream world were not reality and may never be!
I have gradually over the last few weeks become greatly unhappy with my reality. I am lonely and doing a job that is meant for two by myself. I have lots of support, but no one that has to be responsible for my son, they all do it to be kind. And a lot of times I feel guilty because I don't have the money to pay them. My every moment is arranged around my son. I feel like I don't belong in the singles group at my church because most of the people there just don't get it and there at completely different places in life. I feel left out. Alone.
I don't know if loosing weight is the answer to all my struggles. Maybe it is more of a faith issue. Maybe I just am not trusting God enough. What is it that I need to learn, how do I need to change to understand all this? Why does it have to hurt so much? Couldn't it just work right for once in my life? Why is everything always such a struggle?
The Journey
My Goal
1 comment:
I woke up early this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. God told me to read Matthew 6, and He must have been thinking of you.
It's easy to get caught up in worrying about what we need instead of trusting that God has it taken care of. You know that GOD has a plan, and you know that You are Beautiful! God will take care of your physical, spiritual, emotional and sexual needs. The right man hasn't come into your life yet, but not because you're too fat or have a kid. It's because it's not His plan yet. Maybe you still have to deal with the consequences (aka blessings) to choices from your past, but you can't let that distract you from trusting God.
Heidi, you are a beautiful amazing woman. Don't let those hateful words in the back of your mind come out to play. You know where they're from, so send them back to hell and rejoice that you are a beautiful woman of God. :)
You're in my prayers, chica.
Do Not Worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-34
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