Yeah!

I weighed myself today and I weighed 282.5 and I am not even trying to loose weight! I wonder what would happen if I tried!

Yeah!

Ok its lunch time and my son is fussing. Got to go.

Exercise!!!!

I just did a mile on the elliptical! It felt good and makes me want to work out more!!!! I want to start walking/jogging on the days I don't work. Anyone want to join me?

Sometimes I wanna jump from
This tree that I've climbed up in
And trust that You will catch me
And keep me safe from harm

Oh, I want to let go
And trust that You are in control

Won't You take me and make me
Beautiful, beautiful?
Won't You take me and make me
Beautiful, beautiful?

Sometimes I feel like I am
Stuck in a hot air balloon
Floating through the open
and longing to be down with You

Oh, I want to let go
And trust that You are in control

Won't You take me and make me
Beautiful, beautiful?
Won't You take me and make me
Beautiful, beautiful?

Won't You take me and make me
Beautiful, beautiful?
Won't You take me and make me
Beautiful, beautiful?

This song brought me to tears last night. Its called Waltz in 3 by Shawn McDonald. And then on top of it about 4 songs later on the CD Roots, (that I was listening to), was this song!

There is a time to laugh
And a time to cry
And there is a time to accept
And a time to deny

There is a time to be strong
And a time to be weak
And there is a time to listen
And a time we must speak

For everything there's a reason
For everything there's a rhyme
For everything there's a season
For everything there's a time

For everything, everything
Everything there's a time
For everything, everything
Everything there's a time

And there is a time to say hello
And a time to say goodbye
And there is a time when that we are born
And a time we must die

And there is a time to build up
And a time to tear down
There is a time to be lost
And a time to be found

Everything there's a reason
For everything there's a rhyme
For everything there's a season
For everything there's is a time

For everything, everything
Everything there's a time
For everything, everything
Everything there's a time

One without the other
Is like a king without his kingdom
Everything works together
It all Coincides

For everything there's a reason
For everything there's a rhyme
For everything there's a season
For everything there's a time

For everything, everything
Everything there's a time
For everything, everything
Everything there's a time

Its called Time and it is inspired by Ecclesiastes 3. It just so happens to be a verse that God keeps dragging me to. I say dragging because I don't want to hear it anymore. Then He had to go and have one of my favorite musicians write a song about it! So at this point I am a river of tears! And I am saying "OK, OK, OK I get it God, I get it! But I still don't like it!!!"

So here I am feeling somewhat better. Still kinda in a funky mood, but in my heart I know that God is in control and I need! Need! Need! to seek him first and foremost. Everything else will fall into place if I place my trust in my Lord.

I have a "light bulb moment" last night. Where I realized that not that long ago in pray, I ask God that if my current emotional attachment to a certain boy were not meant to be now or even ever then I needed God to take them from me. Because I know that in my own power I can't remove myself from the situation. And looking back I am starting to realize that events of life were orchestrated in a way that gradually led to me and this boy not talking as much. And now when I talk to him its as if I don't have anything to say. Its very strange! So my "light bulb moment" was Maybe God has his hand at work here and it is all going the way he has planned. Maybe I am freaking out for now good reason and I need to just trust the Lord and accept the changes. Especially sense I ASKED for it! Anyway... after my reconnection with the Jesus, everything seems much clearer now!

As for the weight loss, I can't decide if I should join the gym or not. It expensive, but it might help, especially if I found some people to go with me!

self-asteam

IT IS GONE! I don't know why, but I feel like crap! Emotionally I am not right. I am really sad and lonely. I feel like I use to a long time ago when I was in high school. I am fat and no one will ever want me. And to top it off I have a 2 year old. Just another reason why I will never find someone to love me.

Its a viscous circle, I am depressed so I eat, and I am depressed because of what happens when I eat. There is no winning. I feel like loosing 120 lbs is going to never happen and is impossible. I can't even loose ten.

Worse is i keep dreaming about certain guys in my life in a very romantic, sometimes x-rated ways. It is frustrating to wake up to my son coming in to my room half undressed saying "I'm poopy!" and be ripped back to my reality of life and have to accept that those moments in the dream world were not reality and may never be!

I have gradually over the last few weeks become greatly unhappy with my reality. I am lonely and doing a job that is meant for two by myself. I have lots of support, but no one that has to be responsible for my son, they all do it to be kind. And a lot of times I feel guilty because I don't have the money to pay them. My every moment is arranged around my son. I feel like I don't belong in the singles group at my church because most of the people there just don't get it and there at completely different places in life. I feel left out. Alone.

I don't know if loosing weight is the answer to all my struggles. Maybe it is more of a faith issue. Maybe I just am not trusting God enough. What is it that I need to learn, how do I need to change to understand all this? Why does it have to hurt so much? Couldn't it just work right for once in my life? Why is everything always such a struggle?

Just for you Donna

I am writing this just for you! So you can read about me while your at work! Hehe :)

My job is hard! I am on my feet, walking, bending, lifting, and constantly moving for 9 hours, and soon I will be working 12 hours shifts! I have been and am still on a search for good shoes! I finally got my pay check and went and bought a 120 dollar pair of Dansko's. I like them, but they are new, and stiff and I am getting blisters. I guess I should have listened to the shoe sales lady and not worn them two days in a row. I should give my feet a break with some other shoes. If they don't feel better by the end of next week I am going to take them back. Praise Jesus for Nordstroms!!! Love their return policy.

Another no so pleasant body suffering, is that I get severe edema in my legs. By the end of four10 hour days, I can push down on my shin bone and make like a half inch dent that will stay for 5 or so minutes. I don't know if it is because I am over weight or just that my body liquid is draining to my legs from being on my feet all day. I was thinking it would be nice if only I had to put a little hole in my foot and let it all drain out, it would make for easy weight loss! But no so, I just end up in bed as early as I can. I put Weslee to bed, have some me time and get into bed my 9pm. I hope my body gets use to the extra time spent vertical and evens out the water in the legs.

Other then my body not cooperating with me, I am enjoying my job, sure there are moments that I dislike, but over all I like it. Every day there is a new challenge. I like it! I have started vascular access this week. For those who don't know I am a hemodialysis technician. In laymans terms I work in a dialysis unit taking people on and off treatment for end stage renal disease. It involves 15 gauge needles and high flow arterial veins. A potential for a mess! I am pretty sure I will be getting the shift that I wanted, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday 8am to 8:30pm. I will get 4 day weekends. Yeah! Three days of hard work and 4 days to relax! Or play!

Well I believe it is time for me to sleep. I got another day ahead, and still don't know what shoes I am going to wear! I think Weslee might have an ear infection, please say a little prayer for him.

Good night

P.S. I forgot to mention that I have lost 4 bounds, I think it is mostly water. But hey it is something. I can work up a good sweat at work, I hope I will lose more weight from work as time goes on.

Soon!

I feel like you have to be rich to eat healthy! I just got a job and have to wait a bit to get paid. I need to also figure out what I should start buying.

Another note: does anyone know how to eat right when you live in a household of 7 people, 4 kids and 3 adults and your the only one really on a diet? I don't cook all the meals, I acctually cook very few meals, like 3 or 4 a month! How do I count calories when I don't even cook? I really don't have time to cook, my training at my job is super hard and stressful and by time I get home I dont' want to cook! Expecally when there is something already cooked for the rest of the family. I feel like it would be easier if I lived by myself and had to make meals!

Ok that is it for now, i need to get in to bed! Why can't I manage to be in bed before 11!

Its been a while

So sorry.... I 've been very busy with the last week of school. I also went on a 4 day trip to Las Vegas for a conference for work. It was a lot of fun, but I ate a lot of not so healthy food! And stayed up late, but I did walk a lot! Enough to get a blister on my foot that hurt!

So now I am back home and spent this weekend recovering from being gone. My son is very attached to me won't let me out of his sight. I have not eaten very well this weekend, I pigged out yesterday on the yummy easter lunch! And today we went to McDonalds! I need to try harder, I am just so tired most of the time the last thing on my mind is what I should not eat. Eating is just another thing on the list of things to do and the fast and easy way to feed me and my son are usually not the healthiest. :(

Well tomorrow I start my job! I am hoping I will have a better routine in about two weeks. Once I get my first pay check I will join the gym. Its been a very slow process, but its just baby steps at this point, and waiting to be able to afford the cost of a healthy life style!